Friday, 25 March 2011


I need to take some time for myself and figure out what am wanting in life and what am looking for. There is no point in dating and then getting involved in a relationship if its not what I want and if am not going to be around long.
I just don't want to make the same mistake again like I did with my ex. My dad says am too nice and trusting and that scares me that I could just get walked over all over again. I didn't have a clue what was happening and going on behind my back because I didn't think I had to reason not to trust him.
I don't want to make another mistake and rush into things too fast. I want to go into a relationship thinking it might last, I don't see the point in entering a relationship thinking 'its only a matter of time before it ends'. I don't be alone but am not going to rush into anything. I don't want to make another stupid mistake and end up in pointless and meaningless relationship, its not worth the heartache.
I can't complain too much about whats happened because if I did that would be like saying 'I don't like the life I have now'. I love the life I have now and I know for a fact I wouldn't have the things in it if I had never not get involved with him. I wouldn't change my life for anything. I love it and I love the people in it.

Have a listen to this song below, its a few years old but I like it.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011


SCREAMING is a great wait to release emotions inside you. I like screaming for no reason, it makes me feel alive. Just try it, Scream as loud as you can and just let it all out. Don't you feel good for doing that?!?!

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Don't cry for someone who won't cry for you...

It can be easy to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself when someone hurts you but really what is it going to change?!?! It isn't going to change whats happened and really do you feel good about yourself while your sat there crying? Well the answers no. You need to pull yourself together and show them and the world what your made of. Crying is a good release of your emotions and it can make you feel a bit better but only of you open up and true to yourself. You can't live life by yourself so don't be afraid to let the people close to you see you cry, they are there to help.
Once you've have a good cry about everything that has happened, get up and have a lovely warm shower and put on some nice clean clothes and you'll feel refreshed and ready to face the world.
I learnt my lesson and so have many of friends thats its not worth staying hiden away and feeling sorry for yourself when the person that hurt you doesn't even car about what they have done.
If they don't realise that they hurt you and apologise then they are not worth your tears. I will cry for someone that doesn't feel the same back. I am happier with a smile on my face and thats how I live my life. There's not a day that doesn't go by when I don't smile.
Someone once told me 'a smile can save a life' and believe its true. Just smiling at the person your passing on the street can make there day, its gives them that little bit of hope that everythigns going to be ok and the worlds not such a scary place.
So instead of crying, SMILE and a save a life :-) plus it will certainly confuss the person that hurt you about why your so happy.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Well I finally signed up for internet dating... its so strange. I signed up 2 days ago. I had to fill all my details about my longest relationship, what am looking for, and my interested. Plus the usual height, hair colour, age...
Within 10 minutes of my profile live on the site, I had guys already emailing. I had about 20 guys contact me that me and only 2 of them appealed to me. I started talking to them guys but it just didn't feel right. Later that night I came across an old friend who is friends with my ex. I didn't want my ex to find out I was there so I blocked his friend. I don't want him to think am desperate, he will think its funny.
I stayed on the site until today. I had a lot of guys email me but none of them are what am looking for. I don't want to meet someone that way so I deleted my account today. Am really not sure what am looking for, so how can I expect to meet someone when I don't even know myself what I want.
The thing is I had everything I thought I wanted, the boyfriend, the house, my dream job but now am back to been single I have realised that isn't what I want. Its something I thought I wanted but I got it all at the tender age of 20 and now I don't want it.
The thing is when I had it I was happy but now I don't have it, I am the happiest I have ever been and everyone has noticed a difference. When things got serious all the dreams of travelling disappeared and I don't want that. I want to achieve my dreams and then settle down.
So I am no longer internet dating and I am going to achieve my dreams and start planning on travelling. :)

Sunday, 13 March 2011


I have just got back to a weekend away with the girls to Amsterdam. It was such a laugh and we can now say we have done the Amsterdam Experience. We went to the 'Sex Museum' which was showing us the history of sex in pictures. I didn't realise they took porno-graphic photos all the way back to the 1840's.
We had a wonder around the sex shops, which was a laugh with a bit of confussion at how the size of some of the toys could even fit where they are ment to go. I certainly won't be buying any of those.
We went to see a Live Sex Show. During the show we learnt how to light a room with a candle and our vagina, how to write on a guys chest holding the pen with our vagina, and that we need to be more flexible. So we now have some stuff to practice and see if we can do it. Who came up with these ideas though, waking up one day and thinking 'I am going to learn how to write using my vagina'. Its crazy.
We had a walk down the street with the girls in the window trying to entice guys, it was so strange. Then we went to one of the many of the 'coffee shops' that they have in Amsterdam. None of us had ever done drugs before but we thought while were Amsterdam we may as well get the full experience. We all bought a chocolate cake each that contained Marijuana. The cakes were lovely. I had a really good experience, I was chilled out and really giggly but unfortunately one of my friends didn't have a good experience. She was extremely paranoid and couldnt relax and enjoy herself. She kept looking like she was wanting to kill me because I had the giggles. She was even planning on how to kill me at one point and had to keep repeating, 'don't kill her, don't kill her'. 
It is such a different life style to what we have in England. The jobs they do and the drugs the take. I have now experienced Amsterdam to the full and would recommend everyone to go at least once in there life.

A photo of the Red Light District

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Nearly Four Months On and You Can Still Hurt Me...

Its a georgous day outside, the sun is shining and summer is on its way, what more can you want on a glorious sunday.
I had a bit of late night last night (or early morning if you want to call it that). I got to bed at 8 in the morning after been out with friends to have a good dance and giggle on a saturday night. After a few hours sleep I woke and had a look through all last nights pictures on my camera. We seemed to get a bit camera happy when we was in the car. Lots of random pictures.
I told my friend I would give her my cameras memory card so she can put the pictures onto her computer. So I decided to delete a lot of old pictures that I never got to deleting in the past. There were ones of me and my ex on holiday and I thought it was about time they got deleted. Thats my past and I don't to need to have them pictures on camera anymore. I have the pictures on my computer so if I do ever want to look back on past in the future then I still can. As I was deleting pictures I came across some pictures I hadn't seen before. They were from a night out my ex went on the week before we broke up. As I was looking at the pictures, I recognised a girl within the pictures... It was the girl I found in my bed the following week.
So not only did my ex cheat on me, he used my camera to take pictures of them together. I wouldn't have the cheek to do that and don't know how he did. Its extremely in sensitive... did he think I wasn't ever going to see them?!?!
This was the 1st time since the day I found him in bed with her girl, that I actually cried. Its been nearly 4 months and I thought I was over it. I then got upset with myself for letting him still effect me like this. After a long cry in bed and lots of texts to my good friend. I realised it was a beautiful day out and I wasn't going to waste it in bed by myself. So I got up, swung the curtains open and let the glorious sun into the house.
I put my music on loud and had a dance around my room while I got dressed for the day ahead. I really enjoyed myself and am happy again and am not letting them pictures affect me anymore :)
I uploaded last nights pictures to the computer and had a laugh at them.
I love it when the sun is out because it makes everything better. Thing just seems so much prettier and you get that feeling that things are going to be ok. I have spent the day with my family and we are just waiting for our dinner to finish cooking and all tuck into some lovely food.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Internet Dating...

I haven't really thought much about internet dating as I am only 21 and consider it to be a last resort. But today one of my clients was telling me how she got back into dating after her 15 year relationship ended. She lost her confidence when it came to talking to new guys and flirting, which is understandable after spending so long with someone. And this is my problem, I don't no how to talk to guys and flirt, I am shy around new people.
I have never been on a proper date. Yes me and my ex did you go out but most of the time we was with other people so I never had them butterflies and nerves your get when you go meet someone for the 1st time by yourself. I think this is what scares me about meeting someone on the internet because when you meet someone on a night out or through friends, you have already seen them and know you get along face to face but it could be a complete disaster if you've never met them before.
I have also thought internet dating was for losers that couldn't meet anyone but lets face it, I am one of them, I haven't met anyone that I like yet. I was told that it can give you a right confidence boost talking to these guys and meeting up with them for a coffee. A confidence boost is what I really need at moment especially seeing my ex with another girl. How does he do it?!?! I want to find it as easy as him to meet someone else.
Well I am going on a couple of nights this weekend and then amsterdam the weekend after. I think if I haven't met anyone by the time I get back, I am going to sign up on the dating websites. Whats the worst that can happen?!?!

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

You Again...

The reason me and Ex split up was because I wasn't the girl for him. I found this out by finding him with another girl in my bed. The worst I could possible see and an image I can never erase from my mind.
I was with my friends recently when were talking and I was saying 'although am happy being single, I would find it hard seeing him with another girl.' My friend Emma started laughing and said 'you have already seen that, he was in bed with her.' I started laughing I never thought of it like that, I had already seen the thing that could hurt me the most so seeing him in the pub with someone else shouldn't bother me as much.
Today I saw him with another girl. It did hurt me and I felt like someone had just taken the wind out of me. I wasn't expecting to see him so it was a shock to see him and then to see him with another girl was even more of a shock.
The thing is that's the 2nd girl (or 3rd if you include me) that he is in a relationship with in the last 3 months. He's just going from girl to girl. Well he can date as many girls as he likes but he will never find anyone like me.
He can have as much meaningless sex as he likes but am going to find TRUE LOVE. True love does exist and it will take time and work to keep it but am going to find it :-)
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